Nine new ways to last longer, experiment more, and make it hotter...
LAST LONGER IN BED
First, take one adult-size dose of reality -- you may feel better: The average guy lasts 5 to 10 minutes. So maybe you're perfectly normal but have been brainwashed by sitcom jokes and porn. Sex therapist Brian Zamboni, Ph.D., suggests shrugging off an early emission with some extra attention to her arousal (yes, it means staying awake), then getting back in the saddle. Most men last much longer the second time around. And the more you practice, the longer that first time will last. If your doctor signs off on it, you could try Viagra: A study shows it can help reduce your refractory period for that second go-round, and confidence leads to endurance. Also, do the following.
Please her first
Then she won't care so much about your hair trigger. Use your hands, mouth, or sex toys to bring her to orgasm before you take your turn, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First.
Let her climb on
When she's on top, your penis is less stimulated. And ask her to go slowly. "Long and fast thrusting is hazardous to a man's endurance," says sexologist Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Practice
When you masturbate, don't let yourself come quickly -- it will train your body to finish fast, says Zamboni. If it usually takes you 2 minutes, try to stretch it to 5, and so on. Pay close attention to your arousal, Kerner says. If you can learn to sense when you're about to ejaculate, you'll know when to pull out and take a breather during sex.
HAVE MORE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE
Focus on better sex and the frequency will take care of itself, says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex. One way is to add quickies to the equation... while redefining "quickie" in a way that works for both of you. Think of it more as an unplanned event than a brief one. Try a new environment where daring and spontaneity are part of the act -- a department-store dressing room, your garage before you leave for dinner, under that tiny airline blanket in 35A and 35B. If more places are available, more sex is, too. "If it's exciting, she won't need as much time to be aroused," says Joel Block, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of The Art of the Quickie. "Quickies that work will energize any sexual relationship. You'll have captured her imagination."
Persuade her to experiment more
Here's the problem: Whatever you suggest, she'll know why you'll enjoy it, but she'll wonder what's in it for her. (Note: Her chance to play "horny chiropractor" is not an incentive.) So start with bringing out her fantasies, says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. One night a month, be her do-anything male escort. She decides what happens. It could be the hot naughty. It could be dinner, one long kiss, and sending you off all excited. It could be shopping attentively with her -- stick with us here -- so every other woman in the store is jealous (never a small thing in her world). At the end of the evening, she pays you with an IOU for whatever she thinks you were worth -- so she'll have a chance to exercise her racy imagination. Whatever happens, you gladly play along and then reap the benefits. "Once a man shows he can be tolerant and eroticize her fantasy, she'll offer up more variety," Brame says.
Spend more time with her
Set up a romantic dinner date the way you'd schedule an office meeting and you'll thrive at home and at work. "The classic mistake busy men make is putting all their planning into their workdays and none into their personal lives," says Julie Morgenstern, a time-management consultant. "It may feel like career suicide, but the only way to keep your creative and strategic edge at work is to allow yourself to recharge at home." Making your partner a priority may boost your health as well: Studies show that spending time with a supportive spouse can curb work-related stress and lower blood pressure.
Set a schedule together
If that means a weekly gig for the babysitter, go for it. You'll be surprised by the payoff: "A routine is not so much confining as it is liberating," says Morgenstern. It's a guilt buster. "You won't feel guilty spending time with business associates on a Monday night because you'll have planned other times to go out with your wife or girlfriend. It frees you to live in the moment."
TELL YOUR CRUSH HOW YOU FEEL
"Rip off the proverbial Band-Aid and get it over with," says Nicole Beland, Men's Health's Girl Next Door. "Until you ask, you're never really going to know." Talk in person, call, or e-mail (yes, e-mailing is fine) on a Thursday afternoon -- that's the golden hour for confessing a crush. "It's late enough in the week that a girl will be thinking about the weekend, but she won't be rushing out the way she might on Friday," Beland says. And keep it short. "Tell her you have to get something off your chest, and then blurt it out just like they do in the movies," she says. "It's the most painless and romantic way. Then back off and give her time to think."
If she rejects you
Stand up straight, smile, and say something like "I'm glad you're honest, and it would be great if we could be friends." Above all, stay classy. She'll remember that.
If she's on the fence
Lay low and don't try to win her over with flowers or gifts. "If she's waffling, a grand gesture would only overwhelm her," Beland says.
If she says, "Oh, all right"
Send flowers the next day -- something small and basic. Then plan the date. "It takes balls," Beland says. "Will she jump into your arms? You're about to find out."
Turn a friend into a lover
Making a move on a good friend requires more careful work than defusing a pipe bomb. One false move and, well, you know. Avoid devastation and fallout with these four expert-approved strategies.
1. Set the scene. Choose a place that's comfortable for both of you, says Logan Levkoff, a sex educator and columnist in New York City. And don't make it a big production. "A lot of guys try to take cues from sappy movies where friends become something more," says Levkoff. "Don't stand outside her window with a boom box over your head."
2. Read her body. Talk less, do more. "Kiss her," says Levkoff. "Sometimes it's easier to break down the barrier physically instead of verbally." But how do you know to go for it? "If her face is close enough that you can lean in, then that's a good sign," she says.
3. Leave your game at the door. She knows about every girl you've dated and every pickup line you've ever used, so no fancy come-ons, Levkoff advises. Look her in the eyes and say, "You know all about me and my past, and I don't want the other girls I've dated. I want you." Yes, it's formal, but say it anyway. "It works because it shows her you're sincere," says Levkoff.
4. Retreat. If it doesn't work out, follow these three words: Let it be. "Eventually, your friendship can, and will, return to normal," says Levkoff.
REDUCE YOUR PORN HABIT
Your problem may not be a bad jones (and overworked johnson), but boredom. If you transform spare time into quality time, you won't be running to your computer every 10 minutes. "Join a hockey club or play in a basketball league at your gym," suggests Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. "Engaging in sports will help relieve pent-up physical needs."
And kink up your real-life sex life. "Porn is a quick fix," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City. Tell your wife or girlfriend a sexy fantasy you had about her. "Women are into role playing just as much as men are," says Kerner. It'll turn her on, and you'll have the naughty nurse of your dreams -- no flat-screen required.
Go to the next page for tips on how to get over an ex, make her orgasm every time, and have more sex with hot women...
MAKE SURE SHE REACHES ORGASM, EVERY TIME
This one's easy: Downgrade that resolution. "Put a woman under that kind of perceived pressure and you're pretty much guaranteeing that she won't climax," says Laura Berman, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the director of the Berman Center, in Chicago. "It's one of the main reasons women fake it."
Remember John Cleese in The Meaning of Life: "What's wrong with a kiss, boy?" A survey conducted by the Berman Center and K-Y Brand found that couples who kiss often in non-sexual situations are eight times less likely to feel stressed than those who don't. The key: "Kiss her in a way that doesn't feel like a quick stop-off on the way to getting undressed," Berman says. "Massage her, rub her all over her body, and give her the opportunity to quiet her mind before having sex." Yes, all that before you go stampeding toward her clitoris.
And once you do get to her clitoris? Toning down your intensity during sex may help her relax. "Unlike men, a lot of women find it easier to have an orgasm if they're receiving slower, more consistent stimulation," says Berman.
HAVE FREQUENT SEX WITH HOT WOMEN
What you're really saying, then, is "I want to manage several relationships at once without being perceived as a womanizing jerk." There are dangers here. Women in sexual relationships sometimes like to include monogamy in the program. But if you want to try, then the best advice, says Dean Mignola, author of The Single Guy's Survival Guide, is to remain genuine without being predatory. Let each woman know that you're seeing others. Say this: "I want to make sure when I choose someone, I really know her." She may dump you then and there. But maybe not. Her competitiveness may kick in, which could result in extra nakedness.
PROPOSE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND THIS YEAR
Congratulations! May she always have the wit of Sarah Silverman and the body of Laetitia Casta. To ensure that this is the last proposal you'll ever have to deliver, first make the moment all about the two of you. That means you should resist the urge to tell everyone you know before you propose, says Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating. This includes her best friends. The next step is setting up the occasion. You don't need an audience; renting a hot-air balloon or securing space on the Jumbotron will only be a distraction. Instead, plan a day that demonstrates how well you know her, and propose then. Pick a place you've enjoyed together before, or choose a significant date, like the anniversary of the day you met. When she says yes, all that's left to do is pucker up... and kiss your independence goodbye!
HAVE HARDER ERECTIONS
Legendary erections are all about great bloodflow, like you had when you and all your blood vessels were in your teens. Regular exercise will always help with that, and here are some other hardening strategies you should be aware of.
Lose some weight
If you're looking to turn your weeping willow into a mighty oak, just add testosterone. Building muscle will stoke your he-man hormone supply. The surest way to deplete it? Gain fat. A study from Weill Medical College at Cornell University shows that as men gain weight, their testosterone levels shrink accordingly. The really good news: Muscle is the best fat incinerator around. Add some and you stiffen your resolve in two mutually reinforcing ways.
Get berried
The antioxidants in berries may combat free radicals in your bloodstream that could put a damper on your erection, Indiana University researchers found. Add as many as you can to your presex diet.
Tune your ticker
Yeah, yeah -- heart disease is the number one killer of men. But let's talk about something important: The blood-vessel scarring that threatens your heart also threatens the tiny vessels that harden your erection. So eat an apple and a bowl of oatmeal every day: Fiber is a great blood-vessel scouring agent.
GET OVER YOUR EX AND MOVE ON
Strip clubs and buddies can be your first line of defense, but as therapeutic as they are, you have to go back to that empty home sometime.
Be serious about it
"Treat a breakup as if you're overcoming an addiction," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love. Banish evidence of your ex -- cards, photos, that cursed jug of Woolite. They're the equivalent of a dime bag in the glove compartment, says Fisher.
Next step
Take a 90-day hiatus from new relationships. Enjoy your unencumbered life: "If you've wanted to go to South America or take sailing lessons, now's your time," says Fisher. Before you know it, you'll be ready to dash yourself on the jagged rocks of love all over again.
